SPAM - My Arch Nemesis

Am I an idiot, or does SPAM not make any sense?

I mean, I understand tangible junk mail. Fliers advertising our local pizza joint or coupons informing us of an upcoming retail sale (valid this weekend only!) create a sense of urgency. They are meant to spur us into action; to get us to spend those hard earned dollars on what we may or may not want, and probably do not need. They are easily spotted and discarded, but sometimes gems are found within the riff raff. I can always use an extra 15% off my total one-time purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

But misspelled, nonsensical, and blatantly obvious SPAM? Malicious virus peddlers aside, how can anyone think that I could be talked into purchasing Viagra or, my favorite, CyIxAoLjIkS to improve my allegedly disappointing erection? I'M A GIRL. And what makes them think I have not already given Hoodia a try, huh? Finally, what is the point of sending me a page full of squares that communicate absolutely nothing?

My patience for poor grammar is limited to begin with so things like that, and the frequency with which I am bombarded with them, absolutely infuriates me. It is as if they are doing it on purpose; like they are pushing my buttons.

"Let's see if we can get Mary to really scrape her face off this time. Sound good?”
“Dude, are you kidding? That sounds awesome!”
*roll of the dice*
“And the winner is… Ephedra! MUAAHAHAHA!!!"

In all seriousness, though, I spend at least an hour every day cleaning out various work inboxes (yes, I am important enough to have access to other people’s unwanted and unfiltered electronic mail). I spend the majority of that hour+ adding those addresses to an ever-growing Junk Mail list and fostering a mean dislike of the faceless, and I would venture a guess at spineless, entities who think I can be duped into giving out my credit card number.

Sure, it is possible that I am not being very fair. Most of them probably have spines, even if it is only skeletal in nature, and others may not be as manipulative as my imagination has painted them. But I still find SPAM both annoying and insulting, and I believe it to be a huge waste of time and resources for all involved.

So let us get this straight, Internet Fiends: No, I do not want a Faux-lex watch. Yes, I want you to get a new job that you are not embarrassed to tell people about. And, no, I do not accept Paypal.